We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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