This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
