you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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