i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
