i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
