and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
