Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
