I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
