Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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