Ketchup is God's man juice
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
