you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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