how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
