I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
