My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize