Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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