At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
