Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize