wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
