God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Someone came in the potted fern
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
