i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
