I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
