i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
