I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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