I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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