Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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