after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
