i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
