so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize