I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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