I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Are my feet made of real feet?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
