White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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