Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
