why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
honey bunches of taint.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize