I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize