The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
