I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
