$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
