He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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