I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize