did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
