You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
