He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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