This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
