Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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