tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm at about main and main street
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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