I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
