He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
