if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize