so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
