I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
