I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
