Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
