I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
the raccoons are back...
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