a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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