My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
