i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
