I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's never too late to be topless.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
