So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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