Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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