Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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