Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
