would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
