This is not my ceiling
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize