Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
