i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
